Epiphany Night Is More Than Just a Fab Drag Name
Hey Bookworms! I know I usually chat a little bit but this week is all about efficiency, so I’m going to get right to it.
We’re talking about Frau Perchta today. Who’s Frau Perchta? A total baller. She’s also a witch/goddess who visits folks in Germany and Austria every year on the 12th night of Christmas to make sure your business is handled. She travels with a full on posse of ghosts and demons rewarding the generous and honest and handing down the discipline to the lazy liars out there. She’s got a whole list of rules for you to follow. If you do, she leaves a silver coin in your shoe; if you don’t, she’s gonna do a whole lot more than give you the stank eye.
Some people say that Frau Perchta is too harsh but haters gonna hate (and suffer the consequences). I think she’s fierce as heck. She lets you know the rules beforehand; if you don’t follow them, that’s on you. She’s a lady who admires honesty, industriousness, and the company of the restless dead. I can get behind that.
Wanna know how to survive Perchantag? I made you a Scream-style list. If you don’t check all the boxes on her list? Well. She’s gonna wait until your whole household is asleep and then she’s going to creep into your bedroom. She’ll reach for the knife she keeps strapped to her thigh and she’ll slit your belly open and scoop out your guts like she’s cleaning out a pumpkin. Then she’ll stuff your torso husk with rocks and straw. This has the disadvantage of killing you immediately so you only have the one shot to get it right.
Don’t lie. If you do, she and the ghoul gang will scrub your tongue with broken glass. Keep it real or end up with a weeping tongue infection.
Get that spinning done, girl. Her main deal is spinning. Not the super aerobic bicycling kind, but you know our girl FP keeps it tight. I’m talking about turning flax into fabric to be woven after the holidays. FP does not care for lollygaggers. If she comes into your house and finds that your spinning isn’t done, she’ll either throw a tantrum and stomp all over your incomplete work to ruin it or she might set it on fire. Perhaps the whole house? Who knows?
Dust! If Frau Perchta and the boo crew rock up for a visit and your crib doesn’t pass the white glove test, she will not be pleased.
Make a queen a snack. Listen, she’s got a whole lot of traveling to do and she gets hangry if you don't keep her fed. Porridge and fish is the traditional meal for Perchantag, Make it. Eat it. Share it. Live to digest it.
Friends and family is more than a phone plan. The whole point of working your buns off to get your chores done and your house clean is to earn a little time to enjoy the company of others. So don’t try to skip out on it. Throw a holiday party even if you don’t want to. I don’t care if all you do is eat hummus and say things like, “Boy! I love this spiced cider. I also love my internal organs. The way they fit right into my body and keep me alive is just the bee’s knees!” as you laugh nervously and glance frantically over your shoulder.
There you have it folks. If you’ve been slow playing your spinning cause you made a bad deal with Rumplestiltskin, you better get on the stick. I’ve gotta run, y’all. I need to hop on Pinterest right now and search “porridge recipes that won’t get you disemboweled.” Maybe you should do the same.