Winter Wonderland Extravaganza
What up, Bookworms? Happy New Year! The last year was a pretty rough time for non-sociopathic human beings with empathy, so I want to start this year out on a positive note by talking about a kinder, gentler folklore being. One that makes me smile and inspires me to be a better person. This week’s subject doesn’t eat children and they don’t want to punish you for not doing your weaving in a timely fashion; in fact, they’re downright adorable.
I’m talking about Barbegazi, y’all. Who dat, you ask? Barbegazi are extreme cold loving little folks that kind of look like winter time garden gnomes; while garden gnomes personally give me the heebie jeebies, our buddies the Barbegazi are like Dr. Seuss characters come to life. I can practically see the whimsical illustrations now. They live in the Alpine mountains of Switzerland and France and they hibernate during the warm months like bizarro world bears. Barbegazi are about two feet tall with ruddy cheeks and their hair looks like living icicles, which is so dope. They are the most precious pants little mountain dwellers ever.
Barbegazi have these long, skinny feet that look like half skis. They use them to dig quickly through deep snow and also to ski/snowshoe through the snowy mountain terrain. I bet they also have Emmet Otter style jug bands where they do all the rhythm and bass parts with just their tootsies. There’s no scientific proof, but I absolutely believe it’s true. They are also extremely good-hearted folks who will do their very best to help out a human in need. They can sense when an avalanche is coming and will let out a long, low whistle to signal danger. Barbegazi love avalanches themselves.They use their long ski-feet to shred their way down the rolling wall of snow just having themselves a hoot. Do they pretend they’re in Point Break? Maybe. Who doesn’t want to be Johnny Utah every once in a while. I certainly do. However, they know that they are the only ones with those kind of mad snow skills and will use their talented tootsies to dig out people and animals who have been buried by the snow. Barbegazi are such swell dudes that they will also provide lost travelers with food, warmth, and guidance so that they are able to survive.
Here’s the thing. Barbegazi consider themselves the caretakers of the mountains and they do not put up with any crap. If they catch a human skulking around looking to do anything that will damage the environment they will handle that business with a swiftness. Also, they don’t like it when people try to follow them back to their homes. They’re private, you see. So, when they catch a creep a creepin’ on them they will promptly pick that creep up and toss them off the nearest cliff, which seems like a perfectly reasonable response to me.
You know how the old saying goes, “If you’re gonna creep get ready to take a leap (off the nearest mountain cliff).” What? I said it was an old saying, I didn’t say it was a popular one. The point is that, unlike most folklore creatures that we talk about, these guys will only murder you horribly if you deserve it. They’re shining examples of non-human humanitarianism.
So here’s my thought guys. I’m gonna try to be more like the Barbegazi this year. Who wants to join me? It means that we get to be cute as hell, help people out whenever we can, and, if anyone crosses out personal boundaries, we toss them off a cliff. It’s gonna be great!