Smells Like Squatch Spirit
Hey Bookworms! How was your week? I’ve been rushing to finish a 496 page book for my book club and that sucker is kinda bleak, so I decided we should talk about something fun and comforting this week. I don’t know about y’all, but when I think about fun, I always think of swamps, so who’s ready to hear about Skunk Apes?
Skunk Apes are essentially the Bigfoot of the Everglades.Tall, hairy, not fond of cameras. They’re primarily known for their pungent personal funk. It smells like if you put several dozen rotten eggs in a bowl, mixed them with Axe body spray, and then left that bowl in a hot car.
I like to imagine the Skunk Ape as being kind of like Seth Rogan if he was completely covered in coppery gray fur; always hella stoned, loved lima beans, and reeked like the devil’s jockstrap. He probably lives in an abandoned houseboat somewhere and he’s a pretty chill dude. You know the type. Even though he’s slightly smaller than your typical Bigfoot he enjoys a lot of the same hobbies. Crossing the road just as a single car passes by, taking long leisurely walks just out of range of most cameras, and restoring antique sewing machines, you know the drill. Even a cryptid has to get out and blow off some steam every once in a while, though, so there are numerous Skunk Ape sightings out there.
Sometimes he just walks up on people’s front porches to freak them out. Or makes a whole lot of noise to get their dogs barking and then takes off. One man reported that a Skunk Ape was hurling stuff at his garage door. The noise got the man’s attention; when he looked out the window, there was old Skunky just rearing back to throw another piece of log. When he realized the homeowner was watching, he hightailed it out of there. But, to what end? Why would a mysterious legume loving cryptid walk all the way down from the swamp just to mess with a suburbanite’s garage? It doesn’t make any sense. Was he being peer pressured by a group of garrulous raccoons? Maybe his Bigfoot cousin was in town and he was trying to impress him? Oh, God! What if it was part of some sort of initiation and now Skunk Ape has joined a group of aimless street thugs like some sort of a hooligan out of a ‘50s movie? I certainly hope not. Skunk Ape has a good heart and so much potential. There’s just no future in gangs, kids; even if you have the physical strength to rip a human limb from limb. One day it’s all fun and games. You’re stealing street signs, drinking malt liquor that your friend Howie bought with his fake ID, spray painting genitals on the local high school. Everything’s coming up Squatchy and then, boom! You get busted and thrown in juvie. What now?
Sorry guys. I went on a tangent there but I just really care about Skunk Ape. Maybe too much. To be honest, we don’t have a whole lot of information about the Skunk Apes because they usually are very good at staying away from people. They seem to be pretty peaceful creatures. Although, in the ‘70s, one guy insisted that a Skunk Ape rushed from the woods into his backyard, grabbed him by the shoulders and ripped his shirt clean off. I’m assuming that was less about violent urges and more about really hating that guy’s shirt, but who knows? There’s something about the mysterious nature of the Skunk Ape that really appeals to me. I love that he’s just roaming around doing his thing without being even slightly self conscious about his powerful aroma. I really love that he seems to be a vegetarian and I adore the fact that he’s so into fashion that he will tear offensive clothes right off your body. I admire his passion. He seems like a real peach; in fact, I’m going to try to emulate the Skunk Ape more in my day to day life. On that note, if you hear someone whacking your garage door tonight, look before you shoot. It might just be me.