Oh, Snail No!
Hey Bookworms! How goes it my darlings? Have I got a spooky story for you this week? Bdubbs, you know I do. There this town in France called Hastingues which, I assume, is where the ancestors of my favorite Pretty Little Liars character are from. In addition to someday bringing a Spencer into the world, Hastingues is also notable because the town is built over an enormous cave that’s honeycombed with tunnels. Seems like a real sketchy place to build a town, yo. Apparently, Ye Olde City Planner was not a real job when the town was founded.
As time went on, the French and the Spanish were not getting along and the people of the town were worried they would get invaded and their valuables would get looted. If only there was some place to hide their stuff while the heat was on…Viola`!
Honeycombs big, yeah, yeah, yeah? They’re not small, no,no,no. They would hide their goodies in the tunnels of the cave that the rickety crickety town was built on. Genius! What could go wrong?
Well, according to the French what had happened was an enormous house sized snail/serpent hybrid with a very impressive number of impressively long tentacles and thick fur all over its body took up residence in those caves before they could get their stuff out. The snail beast is called Carcolh which is French for...”snail”. Anyway, it’s able to work it’s tentacles throughout the tunnels in the cave and snatch people by the feet. Then the murdering mollusk will yank sharply and pull you through the tunnels and right into its gaping maw.
At least that’s how the story goes. I, for one, don’t believe it for one minute. Snails aren’t killers. They’re herbivores for goodness sake. Not people eating, gold hoarding monsters and I am not about to sit around and allow this snail slander to continue.
Allow me to pull a Velma Dinkley and tell you what really happened. First off, I will be calling the snail “Sylvester” because “carcolh” is just too lazy a name and Sylvester deserves better. I posit that Sylvester first travelled those treasure-filled tunnels as an ordinary sized snail. The caves were filled with the kind of algae and moss that our little buddy craved so he chowed right on down. BUT this moss had some unique properties and soon the little guy could feel himself changing. He grew bigger, got tentacles, and of course learned to talk. It only makes sense.
So, the town is built on a cave and Sylvester can hear just about anything that goes on it town from his cavern and he realizes what so many of us have realized. Most people suck. But there are some good ones out there. They don’t deserve to be stuck with the jerks, so Sylvester tracks them down and when he gets a chance he yanks them into the cavern and introduces himself. By now he’s built a whole sustainable community. A veritable snailtopia the likes of which we can only imagine.
What’s with the monster story then? Well, haters are gonna hate y’all. So, the people who haven’t been chosen by Sylvester go around bad mouthing him and proving that his instincts were correct. If the cavern corps need supplies, they just put on a disguise and then sneak out to get them. I’m picturing one of those fake beards that are held in place with an elastic band. It’s a freaking genius plan.
So, if the above ground world is getting you down, head on over to Hastingues and wander around the forest talking loudly about how it’s wrong to romanticize serial killers or how you would never trim your nails in an office setting. If you’re lucky Sylvester will hear you and yank you down to snail town. That sounds pretty good to me Bookworms, how about you?