[Finger] Nailed It!
Hey Bookworms! How ya livin’? February is the month of love. Or groundhogs. Or some combination of the two. Unfortunately, I just don’t have it in me to a write a month’s worth of blogs about dashing highland warrior groundhogs and the proper lady groundhog that tames their wicked ways. That sappy stuff is just not my jam. I came up with a theme for this month that I can really get behind though. Vengeful women! I love ‘em. Lurking in the velvety night with murder on their minds. These ladies will get your heart racing faster than the tale of a billionaire bad boy groundhog and the bookish groundhog that steals his heart. They might eat his heart. Every day is an adventure with these broads.
This week we’re talking about Pontianak. That’s not a muscle car you silly geese, although, they can gut you in sixty seconds or less, so you’re not completely off. Pontianak are the spirits of women who died in childbirth or at the hands of violent men that rise from the grave as a vampire/ghost hybrid. Kind of like the Crow but without all the crying about their feelings and the Stone Temple Pilots song. They take the shape of beautiful women in long white dresses whilst they stalk their prey during the night and live inside of a banana tree during the day. I swear I did not make that up but it does delight me.
What the Pontianak like to do is spend the night hanging out looking all sultry and appealing and essentially baiting the kind of creeps who enjoy approaching lone women they don’t know late at night just to encourage them to smile. The Pontianak will brush their silky hair away from their face and the man will come closer. Then closer. She’s not smiling yet, see? And it really is his duty to get her to react. Finally, the man is right in front of her. Quick as a flash her fingernails elongate into razor sharp claws which she uses to scoop out the guy’s guts faster than you can say street harassment. Then she smiles. Her fangs are sharp and shining in the moonlight. She really is prettier when she smiles. Then she devours his entrails and adjourns back to the old banana tree with a song in her heart and her intestines full of other intestines totally content in the knowledge that she’s making the world a better place.
Our girls are viewed as villains in Malaysia but that is just plain wrong. It’s not like they’re killing indiscriminately. All ladies are safe. Non creepy men are safe. It’s just the bad guys who need to sweat. I mean, Terry Crews could be in a room chock full of Pontianak and walk out without a scratch. The truth is some guys just need to be disemboweled and, the way I see it, Pontianak are the lady vigilante she-ros I’ve been waiting for my whole life. They were just out living their lives until they died and, now that they’re undead, they are really making the situation work for them. They love bananas and they’re cleaning up the streets for women everywhere. Talk about positive role models.
Anyway, if Malaysia doesn’t want them around, I would like to invite them over here. I’m not kidding, y’all. I’ll start planting banana trees right now. Come to America, ladies! You can eat all the predator pate, creep crepes, and soufle of scrub your heart desires. We have more than enough to go around. Your time has come! So remember guys, you better have a lot of guts if you’re going to step to a Pontianak. Because she’s gonna eat them and I am here for it.