Tearin' Up My Heart (And Spleen)
Hey Bookworms! Where do bad folks go when they die? Most of them go to a lake of fire and fry but not all of them. Some of them stay right where they are and become something much worse...Fox News anchors.
I kid, I kid, but I do want to tell y’all the story of a girl named Casilda and the very bad thing that she did. Back in the day she was the most beautiful woman in her village. Her yard was forever brimming with boys that were inexorably drawn there by her milkshake. They were out of luck though ‘cause Casilda was married to the buffest bohunk in town and she took her marriage vows hella seriously. Casilda also had a wicked bad temper. For real, she would get-wet-your-pants scary at the drop of a hat.
One day while she was out for a swim, a local creep told her that her husband and her mom were having an affair, and Calissa went full on bananagrams Suge Knight level ballistic. She stormed back to her house with rage in her eyes and murder on her mind. Casilda found her husband there taking a nap and hacked him to death with a machete. Then she went looking for her mom and gave her the full Lizzie Borden. With her dying breath Casilda’s mom cursed her to spend the rest of her life as the monster she was in that moment. She was transformed into “La Sayona” and she was forced to spend the rest of her days as a rotting nightmare monster and punishing unfaithful men.
She roams the night wearing a powder blue pant suit with a carnation pinned to the lapel. JK! She wears a long white dress because that’s what all terrifying supernatural ladies wear. It just makes you instantly creepier. Try it at home, y’all. Get yourself a flowy white nightgown and just stand by your mailbox staring menacingly into the middle distance. Your neighbors will lock and barricade their doors even if you’re just waiting for FedEx.
Anyway, La Sayona travels around tempting potentially unfaithful men. To do this she transforms into her gorgeous human self. In the beginning, she would roll up and be like “Hey Sailor, you gotta a cigarette?” and then they were putty in her hands. She would lead them off somewhere private and as he turned away she would revert to her ghoulish form. When she turned back her once full lips had stretched back into her rotting skull, her mouth overcrowded with jagged fangs. La Sayona would rip the guys wang dang doodle clean off. Then maybe she would rip off an arm or a leg and leave his wretched corpse for someone to find.
Times have changed, though. People started vaping so she couldn’t use the cigarette trick. She’s taken to resorting to cheesy pickup lines to lure in her prey. Sure it’s kind of fun, but La Sayona knows she’s better than that. It makes her angry. So now when she finds an adultering cad to punish, she’s extra violent. She rips them apart like gingerbread men and leaves the whole scene reeking of congealing blood and Axe body spray. Before the cops even find the body she’s on to the next chump. A woman’s work is never done, ya’ know?
So if you happen to be out with an immoral garbage fire of a man and a beautiful woman in a white dress walks up and says “Do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydro power? “Cause Daaammmmnnnn” and then aggressively sucks her teeth you are in the presence of La Sayona and the evening will only end bloody. So get your pal out of there while his wang dang doodle is still attached. Or not. I guess it depends how much you like the guy. Happy Valentine’s Day, Bookworms. Make good choices!