You Can't Dullahandle the Truth!
Hey Bookworms! Are you ready to spring forward and buy a copy of Spring? You should. It’s available now and it’s super fun! Run, don’t walk, to get your copy!
Ok, I had to get that out of the way. Release week and all. Whaddaya say we get our folklore on y’all? Well, actually let’s start with The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. You guys remember that story, right? This money hungry drip named Ichabod Crane gets offed by a headless horseman who rides around at night with a flaming pumpkin in place of his noggin. It’s a good story; but did you know that the headless horseman is based on a group of Irish folklore folks called Dullahan?
My friends, Dullahan are anything but dull. These night riders (get it!) are harbingers of death. The story goes that, if a Dullahan stops riding beside you or shouts your name into the night, you’re a goner.
Dullahan aren’t just dudes either; there are lady Dullahan out there, too. Who run the world? Girls (equestrian girls who like to ride while carrying their own dang heads tucked under their arms like a football)! You heard right Bookworms, Dullahan have heads, not some flaming murder gourds like a bunch of chumps. Granted, their heads look like lumpy bowling balls made of blue cheese, they always have a malevolent yet playfully wide grin plastered on their faces, AND their eyes are always spinning and rolling around independently of one another like some kind of double Mad Eye Moody. You see, they gotta keep their peepers peeled for the next person destined to kick the bucket. When they find them, the Dullahan will fully screech to a halt and holler about it as loud as they can. Honestly, it’s probably really awkward/embarrassing for the person. Everybody in the village is up in their business after all. At least it gives them time to put their affairs in order, I guess.
Did I mention the Dullahans’ horses? They aren’t just riding a velvet black steed that breathes fire from its nostrils like a chump. Their super tough looking horses pull the most extra looking goth fantasy carriages known to man. The Dullahan are using a human spine as a whip. There are candle holders at the front made from full on human skulls. The spokes on the wheels are human thigh bones and the fabric covering the carriage is dried human skin. These carriages are something else, y’all. It’s like if Herman Munster had a custom car shop. Munster’s Monster Machines is what I’d call it.
Now that I’m typing this, a thought has occurred to me. Why do they drive carriages instead of just riding a horse? They don’t haul people away with them. They let you croak on your own time. So why the need for roomy and opulent macabre luxury? I think the Dullahan are working a side hustle. Like a supernatural Lyft style ride sharing service. I can just see the ads now...
“Are you a Dracula who’s had one too many Bloody Marys (or Jerry’s, or Terrys)? Did you get hella turnt at a werewolf bar mitzvah? Are you a mummy who’s just sick of how long it takes to shuffle ominously home from the midnight movie? Why not give the Dullahan a call and ride home surrounded by the sweet sounds of shouted death predictions and My Chemical Romance? We can get you home safe and sound before sunrise!”
It’s genius. Who wouldn’t want to take a ride with those guys? Fools! Only fools. I’ll bet they have cold beverages and phone chargers and everything up in there. If you do get a chance to take a midnight ride with a Dullahan, make sure you give them five stars. You don’t want to make them angry. See you next week!