I Cluricant Believe You!
Hey Bookworms! It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day. Are you ready for green beer, random pinches from strangers, and one heckuva hangover the next day? Can anyone really be ready for any of that? I don’t know. I’m not a scientist. What I do know is that you’re probably expecting me to talk about leprechauns this week. I shan’t! Leprechauns are lovely but they get all the play this time of year. Let’s talk about the Jan Brady of the leprechaun family. Let’s talk about clurichauns.
Clurichauns are described as leprechauns that have given up on the gold hoarding, shoe making, sugary cereal hawking life and devoted themselves to what they really love. Drinking. So much drinking. These dudes are the hottest of messes. Back in the day they used to set up in the wine cellars of old castles. They would take their fill of the demon drink and in exchange they would guard the cellars from any potential booze burglars. That’s all well and good but American Gods has got me wondering what the modern clurichaun gets up to. Where to start?
These guys are absolute hot messes. They for sure have a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil smoking a blunt. They vape constantly. They always rock a trucker hat and constantly reek of whiskey and weed. They drive an old camaro with a sticker depicting Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on something. Maybe England. Maybe the concept of sobriety.
Clurichauns always want to borrow 20 bucks but they will never pay you back. Clurichauns are only 6 inches tall but they can wreck a hotel room in less than five minutes. They’ve flipped so many tables they have permanent calluses on their little palms. Clurichauns are pretty much drunken douchebags.
So, where is the ideal home for a mystical dirtbag creature such as this? Here’s my theory. The clurichauns all flock to a little island called Mykonos. It’s the home of their queen, Lindsay Lohan, and her undoubtedly bananas beach club. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Lindsay has a rose gold champagne gun (google it!) that she sprays/demeans her employees with. She’s a redhead. She’s made a series of famously bad choices. LL and the clurichaun would be besties after a day and, oh my God, I’m getting so happy just thinking about it.
The story would start out with them drunk bonding over gyros at 4 am but soon they would make a genuine connection. Lindsay has calmed down a bit and learned how to turn her bad behavior into a marketable brand. Maybe she could take the clurichaun under her wing like a reverse Jiminy Cricket and then slowly coach him back to a regular leprechaun. Yes! Now that I’m thinking about it that is absolutely what’s up. It’s the buddy movie I never knew that I needed. Picture it! Spiritual healing while they sunbathe on a yacht. Talk therapy while they blast some hipsters with that champagne gun, and, ultimately, redemption as they manage to order a Lyft for a dude even drunker than both of them.
Eventually clurichaun morphs back into a regular leprechaun and instead of going their separate ways they partner in a hand-crafted shoe line that blends Irish tradition with Long Island hutzpah. Why, they would go over like gangbusters! Our redheaded besties would be back on top again and they would owe it all to the power of their champagne gun and their love for each other. I would definitely watch that movie Bookworms. How about you?