When Irish Eyes Are Glowing
Hey Bookworms! What’s crackin’? Are y’all ready for a convoluted story about petite kings, sorcery, and blood guzzling? Good, cause I’ve got a doozy for you.
Back in the day there was an Irish king named Abhartach. He was a very small guy and also kind of a douche, so he got made fun of constantly and he hated it which caused him to act like an even bigger douche. It was a vicious, exhausting circle.
One day Abhartach got sick of being picked on by literally everyone, so do you know what he did? He learned that the things that made him different were also his strengths and he learned to love himself like our lady Rupaul would want him to and let all that negative energy go.
Nah. That would be what happened if Full House did a very special episode about Abhartach. In real life Aunt Becky is going to prison for fraud and Abhartach decided that the best thing he could possibly do is take an unpaid internship with a Druid and learn the art of magic so that’s just what he did. Not the kind where you make rabbits appear in unusual places but straight up sorcery. After some time with his mentor Abhartach was still not very tall but he was a full fledged wizard. A Slytherin, but still.
When Abhartach rolled back up to his castle, he had hella pep in his step cause he was feeling himself so much. He also had eyes that perpetually glowed an eerie green. I guess because he was so full of magic? Can you imagine how creepy that was? These folks didn’t have electricity and this dude is just walking around with laser eyes? Jeepers Peepers.
Anyway, Abhartach became a full on tyrant. If people did something that displeased him, they would mysteriously fall ill, be crushed by giant falling rock, etc. After a while they realized that something had to be done or they were all going to get splatted like Wile E. Coyote. They sent a messenger to ask a neighboring chieftain named Cathrain if he would like to play the game of thrones and as it turned out he was very into that.
There was an epic battle: all laser eyes, flying rocks and flashing swords, and manly grunting but, eventually, Cathrain slayed Abhartach. They buried Abhartach standing up which was the traditional way to bury kings. The villagers sang and laughed and poured mead on Ahbartach’s grave and generally felt really good about themselves. At least they did for 24 hours. The next night, Albartach showed up all covered in mead soaked grave dirt with a bowl and he demanded that the villagers cut themselves and bleed into the bowl so he could drink their traitorous life’s blood. Obviously, this was not great so a messenger was sent to Cathrain to let him know that he had only killed the tyrant a little and could he please come finish the job before the jerk exsanguinated their whole village.
So Cathrain came back and killed him again, but the next night Abhartach was back with his laser eyes and his blood lust. It went on like that for weeks. Cathrain killed him again and again with less enthusiasm every time. Finally Cathrain consulted with a Druid of his own.
The Druid was like, “Bro. You’re dealing with the walking dead here. You have to stab him through the heart with a sword carved from a yew tree and then bury this fool upside down to subdue his powers and cover his grave with the heaviest rock you can find. That’ll learn him”
So Cathrain did as he was told and killed Abhartach baby one more time and followed the Druid’s burial instructions. He’s still stuck there to this day. Bored as hell. Bookworms, the lesson here is don’t be a bully and, if you’re bullied, don’t learn to be a wizard and get your revenge. You’ll just end up undead and stuck in a permanent headstand and that’s not a good look on anybody.