Bunyippe Ki Ya Mother Trucker
Hey Bookworms! I’ve been thinking about Australia. The country is entirely surrounded by sharks. It’s filled with spiders the size of dinner plates and there are snakes everywhere. Legit. Australia is overflowing with snakes. They practically pop out of cereal boxes like a toy prize. It’s fully a danger zone but is somehow also one of the most whimsically nonsensical places in the world. They once had a battle with a herd of emus, (yup, the giant birds), over land rights and people still debate who won. Koalas are some of the most adorable creatures known to man but they can also give you chlamydia. Australians call sweatpants trakker dakkers for heaven’s sake.
What’s the folklore like? Is it boring to compensate for the insanity of day to day life or is it extra balls to the walls crazy? I had to know, so I did some research. Turns out it is crazypants bananagrams and I am so confused by what I found. Y’all ever heard of a Bunyip?
All of the stories agree that the Bunyip is pretty big. They’re maybe 12 feet tall but there are SO MANY different descriptions of what a Bunyip looks like and not a dang one sounds like the other. Some people say it has a large seal-like body and the head of a dog. Other people say it looks like an alligator with an emu head. Probably because they’re still beefing with the emus, tbh. The strangest description says that the Bunyip has an alligator body and the bearded head of an odd man. Huh? Then, they throw in fins and feathers and tusks to the description to further blow ya mind. So, they either look like a primordial Pokemon or they look like a member of ZZ Top was gene spliced with a giant iguana. Sure thing. Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed Bunyip.
Why does everybody seem to see a different version of the Bunyip? There are two theories that I like. The first is that the Bunyip is a sort of water spirit that can look however it wants on any given day. The second is that swamps, billabongs, swimming pools, and public fountains in Australia are literally overflowing with any number of large and quite possibly deadly beasties that everyone just calls a Bunyip. Honestly, both things are equally possible. Australia is wild, y’all.
The Bunyip’s primary deal is that they hang out around swamps or billabongs -I know! What a great word, right? It just means pond, but I love it - where the water is deep and hunt at night. If a body happens to wander close to the water’s edge whilst contemplating the stars, the Bunyip will do them right on in; at least that’s what some folks say. Other people say that the Bunyip are environmental guardians who will only jack you up if you jack with the land or wildlife. Bunyips are a real enigma, I guess. Like, if you combined the souls of James Dean and Jeff Goldblum into the body of an ancient Pokemon. Maybe all Bunyip just do their own thing, I dunno.
The one thing that is universally agreed upon is that the Bunyip’s preferred method of killing whomever they might want to kill. Get this, they hug their victim to death. Again, I love this so stinking much. Either the Bunyip is just happy to see you, makes like the Abominable Snow Rabbit in a Looney Tunes cartoon and crushes you to death with their love or they wrap you in a good old fashioned passive aggressive frenemy hug and just squeeze the life right outta your body. Either way you’ve done been Bunyipped, son. Maybe for a very good reason, maybe for no reason at all. I, frankly, have given up on making sense of the Bunyip and now I just enjoy knowing they exists.
So remember Bookworms, if you ever find yourself in the land down under where the beer does flow and the men chunder you better run, you better take cover, if you cross the hugging monster. See you next week!