Nananana Nananana Batsquatch!
Hey Bookworms! How do y’all feel about bats? Not the wooden kind. At least not unless it’s a carving of a small winged creature that navigates by sonar. I have complicated feelings about them. On the one hand, every time I’m exposed to a bat in the wild I get real panicky because I assume that the bat will get caught in my hair and I will die from the sheer terror. On the other hand, I know intellectually that they’re kind of adorable and are hardly ever vampires so I really shouldn’t be afraid of them.
As my girl Avril said, it’s complicated. I used to think that I would smooth freak out if I encountered any kind of bat, but then I heard about Batsquatch. Batsquatch is so improbable and awesome that I will be adding an exclamation mark to his name for all the rest of my days. Somewhat obviously, Batsquatch! is a large ape-like creature with graceful, leathery wings. Less obvious and more awesomely, is the fact that Batsquatch!’s fur is a dark shade of blue and he has bright purple eyes. Batsquatch! is flat out dope, is what I’m saying.
Batsquatch hangs around Washington state looking like a psychedelic monster from a ‘70s Scooby Doo cartoon and just kind of minds his own business. He doesn’t run around scaring hikers like Sasquatch and doesn’t have an endorsement deal with a popular brand of extreme beef jerky either. Batsquatch! does cause automobiles to lose power when it suits him and that’s a nifty trick. Back in 1994, this dude named Brian was driving on a remote road in the Mount Rainier foothills when his truck suddenly went completely dead. Even the radio stopped working. Brian heard a loud flapping noise above him and then Batsquatch! was landing on the road a few feet in front of him.
Brian was floored. The creature was as graceful as Baryshnikov and as powerfully built as Ivan Drago from Rocky 4. He didn’t appear to be Russian, but he did seem to be aware that he was very handsome. Batsquatch! rested for a moment and then looked at Brian as if to say, “I must brake you.” (Get it? Cause the truck stopped.) Then Batsquatch! flew back off into the night. Suddenly, the truck roared back to life and Brian could only wonder if someone had dosed him with a hallucinogen. One guy was flying a small plane in the same area. He looked over mid-flight to see Batsquatch! soaring along beside him like the Goose to his Maverick. It took his breath away.
Clearly Batsquatch! is a chill bro who loves nature and doesn’t seem even a little inclined to eat people, but where did Batsquatch! Come from? All of the Batsquatch! sightings are around Mount St. Helens and my favorite theory is that, on that terrible day when the volcano erupted in 1980, the energy from the eruption was so powerful that a hole was briefly ripped in the very fabric of the universe and Batsquatch! was sucked through from Planet Squatch to earth and now he’s stuck here. Then Batsquatch! had to learn how this new planet worked and find his place in it. It sounds like a classic fish out of water comedy to me.
Hear me out. What if Batsquatch! meets his cousin Bigfoot and the two of them move in together? Now that they’re cavemates, they realize just how different they really are. Biggie is messy. He likes to photobomb random people’s home movies and he’s always leaving crates of complimentary beef jerky (courtesy of his endorsement deal) laying around. He sometimes worries that the jerky money has made him soft, (it has). Battie is tidy and fascinated with human machinery. His best friend is a bobcat named Sir Reginald Von Whiskerton. They often talk about starting a community garden and are building their own Batsquatch! Mobile. It runs on biodiesel. Battie’s new friends are great but he sure does miss home sometimes.
How will these two learn to share space in the cave and in each other’s hearts? Does Battie give Biggie super awesome high flying piggyback rides? Will either of them get tangled in my hair at some point and cause me to die of panic? I sure hope not because this is a show that I would love to watch. Imagine the hijinks they get up to! I can scarcely think of anything else. Six seasons and a movie, baby. I’m all about it.