Werewolves for Jesus
Hey Bookworms! I know that y’all all know what a werewolf is, you’ve seen Twilight. But, Do you know what a Rougarou is? It’s the Cajun version of a werewolf and like any good southerner it’s pretty extra. It’s a creature with a wolf head and a human body that walks around on two legs. While they do get extra strong and hairy during their transformation they retain a mostly human form which is a super perk. They don’t shred every inch of their clothes Bruce Banner style when they change so it’s way easier to do morning after laundry and they save a fortune on clothes. Can you imagine if you had to buy a whole new set of shirts every week? And the socks. Lord, at the socks you would ruin. Them toenails girl!
There are two main ways to become a Rougarou. If you cross a witch they will launch that Rougarou curse at you faster than a t-shirt cannon launches during spring break. So, and I feel like this should go without saying, don’t hassle any witches. Alternately, you could be scratched by an existing Rougarou. Either way you aren’t beholden to any of that once a month full moon business. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Rougarou change every night for 101 days. After that you can transfer the curse to someone who’s done ‘ya dirty and move on. Those fools will Rou (get it?) the day that they trifled with your lupine hiney.
Let’s say you’re a Rougaroux and you’re out prowling the swamps or cane fields as our furry friends are wont to do and you come across some hunter with a chip on his shoulder who takes a shot at you. Sure it hurts, but you change back to your human form after you’re injured and the hunter will become Rougarou. Suck it, Elmer Fudd! Alternately, if some nosy Nelly gets all up in your biz and figures out that you’re a Rougarou then the curse will transfer to them and you can go back to spending your nights binge watching Veronica Mars like a normal person. Pretty sweet right?
There are some weird quirks that you pick up when you’re Rougarou. Like, for some reason you want to spend all of your prowlin’ time punishing bad Christians. Particularly if they’re breaking their fast for Lent. I don’t get it. Nobody gets it, but if you vowed to give up chocolate for 40 days yet are irrevocably and irresistibly drawn to Cadbury Creme Eggs and drive out to the middle of nowhere to secretly gorge on an entire mini pack then a Rougarou will feel it with their Rougy senses and attack. Here’s a fun question. What if you decide to give up being attacked by a Rougarou for Lent. What then? I believe you have outsmarted the system, my friend. Of course, the Rougarou could just eat you without turning you so don’t try my genius theory out just in case it backfires.
If you’re hell bent on cheating at Lent there are a couple of techniques you can use to avoid the wrath of the Rougarou. The easiest one is to place 13 objects between yourself and your wolfy pursuer. For some reason Rougarou can only count to twelve but much like vampires they are compelled to count. So, they get to 12 but then there’s one more and their brains just can’t process it. 12 equals infinity. How did this human find infinity plus one Cadbury Creme Eggs? It’s madness. The Rougarou will spend the whole night checking it’s math and leave you plenty of time to escape. It’s also possible to kill a Rougarou by beheading it. I mean, you can kill most things by beheading them. So you could travel with a scythe or a sword and just engage in Mortal Combat if it comes down to it but that seems risky and like a lot of work. I would suggest just not breaking your fast and minding your business. And hey! If you do catch the Rougarou curse just wait it out and pick a name from your list of enemies to scratch. Easy peasy.
Bookworms, don’t let it boil your proverbial crawfish if you do find yourself out in the remote Louisiana swamps with a Rougarou. Werewolves in London are pretty cool but these Louisiana wolves know how to party. They may scratch you up a little but they’ll show you a good time afterwards. Maybe they’ll even buy you some of that good gumbo. Laissez les bons temps rouler, Bookworms!